Pat is about to own someone
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Siri, fight Alexa.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
this is the best interaction on twitter
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.