me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.