Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
You Might Also Like
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.