In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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The Assassin.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.