Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
inventing words: clothing
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I need to update my racial profile.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?