Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”