I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.