Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder