Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.