Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Noted.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school