My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
You Might Also Like
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Noah was an idiot.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”