Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”