I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*