me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Wait for it
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
as is their right
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.