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2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
bury ourselves
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.