Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
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Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
No, he would not have.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?