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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
October already? What’s next? November????
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?