The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
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Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
the answer was staring at me all along
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship