Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
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A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
was Jim off killing horses or…
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.