Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT