wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Its a hippotatomus
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Sell your car
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.