BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.