Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Get in loser we’re going crying
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.