Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
some things should go without saying
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi