Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
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Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk