Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.