French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.