ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.