i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN