I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
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“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually