Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.