I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.