You Might Also Like
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!