me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.