A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
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Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
How to wake up a Beagle
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.