*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
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Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid