Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.