My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.