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Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
i want to work in this restaurant
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.