Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain