[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
The “research” scene in every horror movie
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)