“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
A drum solo but on your face.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.