Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.