A huge thanks to the person that did this
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I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.