my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.