Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
happy friday
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.