Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
lmao
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way