Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
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Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.