My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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Me when my alarm goes off
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.