broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed